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a result of my inability to explain myself. explain how i feel... how i work on the inside. a painful inability to put things into words. you want to describe how your thoughts work, and why they are important, but when you try... it just rolls out in the terms of everything that has gone in, been put into you... influenced you throughout your life. and those are not your terms. it's frustrating when you can't explain yourself effectively. limiting.

i could have changed the world. someone just like me will... i have no doubt of this. they do... they are trying every day. if applied properly, i could have done something of meaning. i could be a hero, an icon... maybe it's not too late. you can do anything that you want to, they tell you.

maybe that's the problem with me, that i don't want to do anything. i'm so proficient at wasting time. but i'm smart... and i learn fast. so how come i remain so indifferent? passive. where is my sense of urgency to change the world? to do something meaningful... to rise to a challenge. where is my motivation to be the man i could be? no one is shooting at me... maybe that's the problem.