t**king

- i can't really speak when she's around.
- sorry, what are we talking about here?
- i'm talking about how nervous i get. kinda anxious... when she's around, or just with anything to do with her.
- well that's silly.
- silly.
- why would you be nervous? just be you.
- i'm always me.
- good.
- she knows me... she knows that i am always me.
- that's good, right?
- but me isn't good enough.
- here we go.
- i get nervous because i'm not good enough. i don't deserve her. i overthink things... i build her up in my mind.
- and then she falls short of the mark.
- no. she never falls short. that's the fucking problem. she's so perfect to me. i get nervous because of my inadequacy. i must be perfect.
- you're not perfect.
- i know that...
- ... she's not perfect either.
- yeah.
- i'm still not sure what we're talking about here. how much of a headcase you are?
- no... we're talking about love... i think.

.................

- what's your favourite movie?
- don't have a favourite.
- what? how about your favourite song?
- nope.
- really?
- i don't do well with favourites.
- weird.
- i have favourites... but i never narrow them down.
- my favourite movie is Amelie.
- sure... that's a good one... i make lists sometimes in my head, but they fade away.
- ... name a song you like.
- ... nah.
- you're not very good at this game.
- this is a game?
- the get to know you game. and right now it's boring because you don't know how to play.
- should i just start listing songs you've never heard?
- sure, if you want to... maybe i will hear them someday. maybe you will play them for me... while washing dishes... or before bedtime.
- ha. that's cute.
- ... i change my mind. Eternal Sunshine is my favourite movie.
- yeah, that's a good one too.
- you're still not playing the game...
- ... i'm working on it.

...............................

- you awake?
- i am now.
- sorry.
- it's okay.
- i couldn't sleep... actually, i wasn't trying that hard.
- i might not remember this conversation.
- what do you mean?
- just saying... it's happened a couple of times. i've answered my phone really late and not remembered anything that was said the next day. one time i didn't even recall having answered the phone... kinda trippy.
- are you making an excuse so you can say whatever you want and not be held responsible?
- ... maybe.
- you can say whatever anyways. i don't mind.
- i'm so tired, though.
- i like when you're tired.
- even silly things?
- especially silly things. you should especially say those things.
- ... fair enough.
- just don't fall back asleep. i want to fall asleep first.
- i'll try.

.................

- hey. don't hang up.
- ... what do you want?
- can we talk for a second?
- i'd rather not.
- just a couple minutes, i promise.
- what do you want?
- nothing. i dunno.
- what's wrong with you?
- lots of things.
- ...
- i'm sorry.
- what are you sorry for? i'm the one who should be sorry for stuff.
- whatever, i'm sorry too... just, for everything.
- what do you want me to say?
- nothing. don't say anything... one second you are begging for forgiveness... and then the next time i see you you don't even look at me...
- why did you call?
- i called because i wanted to say something...
- what?
- ... don't ever leave me again.

...............

- i've never lied... i don't think.
- that's impossible.
- no, i'm pretty sure i've never lied to anyone.
- i don't believe that for a second... you're lying right now.
- ... at least i've never lied intentionally... maybe by accident i have.
- well then...
- but that doesn't count, does it?

...............

- what's with the elastic band?
- what?
- on your wrist.
- oh, it's just one of those things.
- what things?
- just something i do.

........

- sometimes i have trouble with the order of the seasons?
- what do you mean?
- i forget which one comes after which... kinda.
- are you kidding me?
- no, just sometimes i blank out.
- it's the same every year, buddy. it's not as if one year the earth is going to stop spinning for a second and change directions... not really something you can get confused about.
- yeah, i guess you're right... wouldn't that be crazy, though? if that happened.
- what? summer after fall one year? out of nowhere it just gets warm again? that would be awesome.
- yeah... winter sucks.
- let me tell you something about winter... fuck it.
- haha. it DOES have christmas.
- but that's all it's got... the first snowfall, because that's the only good one, and christmas. the rest of winter can fuck off.
- well it doesn't really work like that.
- how does it work?
- you can't change the seasons... and you can't complain about nature. nature can complain about us, because we fuck nature up.
- right.
- listen, it's easy to be unhappy any time of year. you just have to find reasons.
- that's pretty dark.
- summer... so hot and sticky, claustrophobic. maybe a terrible summer job when you're young.
- let me tell you something about summer... fuck summer. even if you have an amazing summer, life brings you down again. part of the ride. summer is a tease.
- and you say I'M a downer.
- i really just want it to be fall always, but then that special autumn feeling wouldn't exist, would it?
- nope.
- things are only special in their rarity.

say something.

you cannot be me.
your words are empty,
like my pint glass..
a crowded bar. i pound
you down like change on the counter.
i ask for another.
the glass comes full,
spilling onto my hand.
and i swallow you whole.
your clichés pollute my mind,
dating my girl, speaking
boring rhymes into my ear.
i have heard you, seen you,
destroyed you before.
soft like a peach,
my lion teeth see you. juicy, juice.
pretending sweetness.
cocky like a boxer,
dancing around like you own the place,
some place.
what do you own?
i made room for you, child.
come down from your throne and stand before me.
you are either too frightened,
or too ignorant to see
that you are dragging from my coat.
unoriginal.
you will not be me.
i have left the world you speak from,
and refuse to glance back for your
tired, arrogant existence.

g2g

- a day will come when everything balances out... i think of it as an inevitable leveling of sorts.
- you're crazy, you know.
- don't call me crazy.
- i'm gonna call you what i want. what the fuck are you talking about?
- when that day comes, and karma comes out in full force, justice armed to the teeth, everyone will get exactly what they deserve, what they have coming to them.
- what does that have to do with me?
- when that happens you will die. you will die ten times over, buried alive with guilt and filled with pain.
- haha. why me?
- because, even though you don't realize it, you are the worst person ever to have lived on our planet, to have breathed our beautiful air. you.
- you're crazy... what will happen to you when all of this goes down?
- oh, i'll be right behind you, wherever you end up. asshole.

................

- i love you.
- i love you more.
- i love YOU more.
- ... yeah, maybe you're right. is that an issue?

........

- today the sky fell down.
- the sky.
- it broke, as if someone shattered it with a hammer.
- broken.
- and then it began to snow, eternal white.
- snow.
- so cold, the hair in my nostrils froze.
- nostrils.
- yeah, nostrils.
- ... nostrils.
- we can never put out sky back together.
- nope.

lmao

- it is in the mail.
- what is?
- your apology, you dick.
- wow...
- save your smug... save your pretending, you fraud. don't act so appalled.
- you're amazing... i love you.
- shut the fuck up.
- okay, but i don't want your apology. when it arrives i will tear it up.
- good, because it wasn't sincere, anyways.

...........

- what time is it?
- late.
- how late? what is late for you?
- you know... whatever.
- i can barely hear you.
- i don't know what i'm saying anymore.
- good, because you're not making any sense.
- okay.
- can you see your clock?
- my eyes are closed...
- open them.
- i unplugged the clock.
- such a lie.
- time is a fascist dictator. i don't need it.
- alright.
- i'm just kidding. i didn't unplug it, i don't think. but whatever else i said is true... but i don't know what that is.
- well, thanks for trying.
- it's late. i know that.
- now my eyes are closed, too. fuck, i'm done.
- yeah.

..................

- there's supposed to be a meteor shower tonight. so... look up.
- i'm inside.
- well, later... go outside and look up.
- maybe i'll sit on the roof.
- basement's don't have roofs.
- i guess not.

..............

- how does one reference the strangeness of their own mind to another? words? sure, words. is that plagiarism? maybe i need to invent a new language. with good intentions of course. more like unintentions. unlearnings. maps and diagrams inside my head that don't know their highs and lows or direction. direction hurts my brain. they don't know what they are showing. i depict nothing. i think i peeked in life as a little kid. when i was still happy. ambitious. now i am a ghost strolling around, waiting for something to happen. but i'm supposed to make it happen, aren't i?
- are you okay?
- i'm drunk.

.......................

- did you check out the sky the other night?
- i didn't see shit...
- me neither.
- i can't see anything anymore.
- ha, nothing to see anyways... so don't worry.
- i feel like there is, though. and every day i am missing things. wasting time.
- you're not wasting time.
- i am building nothing.
- life isn't a fucking lego set...
- but i was really good with lego.
- you're so down on life. and you have no reason to be. what's your problem?
- i know. i've got no reason to be so down... but also nothing to be ecstatic about. so that leaves me in this numb middle space. i'm bored.
- loneliness.

therapy.

acceleration in my room, i can imitate a broom
sweeping dreams under the bed, never to be spoke again

things could hardly be the same, november was full of rain
i am just a broken soul, stuck looking for a black hole

we are of a different kind, two dots on the same line
sifting through our histories, i'm more fun than therapy

falling into circumstance, i've never been known to dance
drink's what i expect to do, leave all of your wolves behind you


we've been writing songs since we were young
no one ever cared that we saw the sun
looked into the rays like a pair of dolls
lying face up in the tall grass through the summers and falls

and then we went our ways, wrote our goodbye songs
lived parallel lives until our hopes had gone away
but darkness speaks to me, lends me a rosary
forgiveness don't come cheap, i want to set you free
and happiness will follow you


acceleration in my room, watch movies and follow suit
actors in our own lives, but i hear laughter in the night

we are of the same mind, two dots on the same line
talking through our histories, i'm more fun than therapy