t**king

- i can't really speak when she's around.
- sorry, what are we talking about here?
- i'm talking about how nervous i get. kinda anxious... when she's around, or just with anything to do with her.
- well that's silly.
- silly.
- why would you be nervous? just be you.
- i'm always me.
- good.
- she knows me... she knows that i am always me.
- that's good, right?
- but me isn't good enough.
- here we go.
- i get nervous because i'm not good enough. i don't deserve her. i overthink things... i build her up in my mind.
- and then she falls short of the mark.
- no. she never falls short. that's the fucking problem. she's so perfect to me. i get nervous because of my inadequacy. i must be perfect.
- you're not perfect.
- i know that...
- ... she's not perfect either.
- yeah.
- i'm still not sure what we're talking about here. how much of a headcase you are?
- no... we're talking about love... i think.

.................

- what's your favourite movie?
- don't have a favourite.
- what? how about your favourite song?
- nope.
- really?
- i don't do well with favourites.
- weird.
- i have favourites... but i never narrow them down.
- my favourite movie is Amelie.
- sure... that's a good one... i make lists sometimes in my head, but they fade away.
- ... name a song you like.
- ... nah.
- you're not very good at this game.
- this is a game?
- the get to know you game. and right now it's boring because you don't know how to play.
- should i just start listing songs you've never heard?
- sure, if you want to... maybe i will hear them someday. maybe you will play them for me... while washing dishes... or before bedtime.
- ha. that's cute.
- ... i change my mind. Eternal Sunshine is my favourite movie.
- yeah, that's a good one too.
- you're still not playing the game...
- ... i'm working on it.

...............................

- you awake?
- i am now.
- sorry.
- it's okay.
- i couldn't sleep... actually, i wasn't trying that hard.
- i might not remember this conversation.
- what do you mean?
- just saying... it's happened a couple of times. i've answered my phone really late and not remembered anything that was said the next day. one time i didn't even recall having answered the phone... kinda trippy.
- are you making an excuse so you can say whatever you want and not be held responsible?
- ... maybe.
- you can say whatever anyways. i don't mind.
- i'm so tired, though.
- i like when you're tired.
- even silly things?
- especially silly things. you should especially say those things.
- ... fair enough.
- just don't fall back asleep. i want to fall asleep first.
- i'll try.

.................

- hey. don't hang up.
- ... what do you want?
- can we talk for a second?
- i'd rather not.
- just a couple minutes, i promise.
- what do you want?
- nothing. i dunno.
- what's wrong with you?
- lots of things.
- ...
- i'm sorry.
- what are you sorry for? i'm the one who should be sorry for stuff.
- whatever, i'm sorry too... just, for everything.
- what do you want me to say?
- nothing. don't say anything... one second you are begging for forgiveness... and then the next time i see you you don't even look at me...
- why did you call?
- i called because i wanted to say something...
- what?
- ... don't ever leave me again.

...............

- i've never lied... i don't think.
- that's impossible.
- no, i'm pretty sure i've never lied to anyone.
- i don't believe that for a second... you're lying right now.
- ... at least i've never lied intentionally... maybe by accident i have.
- well then...
- but that doesn't count, does it?

...............

- what's with the elastic band?
- what?
- on your wrist.
- oh, it's just one of those things.
- what things?
- just something i do.

........

- sometimes i have trouble with the order of the seasons?
- what do you mean?
- i forget which one comes after which... kinda.
- are you kidding me?
- no, just sometimes i blank out.
- it's the same every year, buddy. it's not as if one year the earth is going to stop spinning for a second and change directions... not really something you can get confused about.
- yeah, i guess you're right... wouldn't that be crazy, though? if that happened.
- what? summer after fall one year? out of nowhere it just gets warm again? that would be awesome.
- yeah... winter sucks.
- let me tell you something about winter... fuck it.
- haha. it DOES have christmas.
- but that's all it's got... the first snowfall, because that's the only good one, and christmas. the rest of winter can fuck off.
- well it doesn't really work like that.
- how does it work?
- you can't change the seasons... and you can't complain about nature. nature can complain about us, because we fuck nature up.
- right.
- listen, it's easy to be unhappy any time of year. you just have to find reasons.
- that's pretty dark.
- summer... so hot and sticky, claustrophobic. maybe a terrible summer job when you're young.
- let me tell you something about summer... fuck summer. even if you have an amazing summer, life brings you down again. part of the ride. summer is a tease.
- and you say I'M a downer.
- i really just want it to be fall always, but then that special autumn feeling wouldn't exist, would it?
- nope.
- things are only special in their rarity.