coconut soap

come now child and resign your hope
crawling in to weary beds of pear shampoo and coconut soap
i am with you now
i see where you're going,
i see you, love. how right you are.

i've been thinking that life would turn around
and the light would shine on my tired face
reveal a new road, concealed until now
to get me out of this hard place
but it has not

come now child and let go of this
we can stay romantic to the bone by cutting our old ropes
it's all false ideals that we seem to have missed
my heart will burn until it copes
and i will wash you with my pear shampoo
i will lend my coconut soap
i am with you now
i see you, love

beautiful

It was the beauty that she wielded through her imperfections that struck me. Not like being struck in the back of the head by a stone, but more like awakening from a dream. You know, the moment after your eyes open and you come to the sudden and often disappointing realization that the life you were just living wasn’t reality… and it hurts. The thought of the entire day lying before me with minimal chance of joy or reward hurts. It’s striking in a slow and educational way. There’s no method or conventionality to her beauty. While watching her move around the room, and listening to the way she speaks, I try to put my finger on what it is that makes her beautiful, that makes it impossible to withdraw your attention from her for more than a moment, but I can’t because her beauty isn’t founded in any sort of reasoning that we have a label for. It’s a completely unique beauty that resonates through her distinctiveness in my world. She stands out. She is an answer to a question that I ask every day without actually asking. Honestly, I’m not entirely sure what the question is… but she is my answer. Well… that’s her.

while listening to Loveless

hearts follow lights out into the cold
burning from the painful sadness
we find it hard to explain
i would settle for a kind of blindness
i find it hard to explain
we hold hands, we stumble toward nowhere
get fucked up in the snow
staring through each other
as if we have somewhere to go

------------------------

i am a new hurt.
innovating, unexplaining.
together we can break this down.
oh, am i on my own?

i am a new kind of dumb,
surrendering what i could have become.
together we can find ourselves,
alone i walk in circles.

i am a new hurt,
impossibly discreet.
i live in silence from this rage.
i build my own cage.

--------------------------------

touch me gently
i'm going away for awhile
i don't know who i am
such a fucking loss
don't know if i will come back
never been so lost

---------------------------------

if you're drunk on failure,
raise your glass into the ceiling above.
what else can you do?
rebuilding takes too much you don't have.
what else can you do?

a kind boy, a smart boy.
i twist and turn into this empty space.
the pieces never fit where they should.
raise your glass,
make everything taste good.

--------------------------------

a wimpy fury
i'm gonna need to bury most of what i had
it has left me
my inner demons stone me
from the sidelines
laughing
i have left me
they are still here

---------------------------

the lake is my day, i tuck it away
below the dark water, blind from the light.
give it all a rest, we can get so uptight.
but the sunset knows me, says it's gonna be fine.
these sunsets save my day.
this kinda light guides my way.

the lake is my day, i hide it away
below the dark water, i'm blind from the light.
give myself a rest, i can get so uptight.
but the sunset sees me, says it's gonna be fine
when i rise.
you will see again. when i rise.

+

fall apart with me.
i've no reason to behave.
the lights are all around us.
i've no reason to be brave.

no sounds can bring me home.
my childish fears have fully grown.
don't be a stranger now, not now.
my eyes are old, my eyes are new.

turn off the lamp beside your bed.
create a new world within your head.
fall apart with me.
no words have been said yet.
collapse into the dark.
no time has been set.

no sounds can bring back home.
my childish fears have fully grown.
they march around my bed each night.
my heartbeats beat a different song.
don't be a stranger now, not now.
my eyes are old, my eyes are new.

quick now

sir robin
















my brother
















blair at the albs

.smiling.

she smiles like a sun on the water
keep me here tonight
keep me alive

she laughs like an avalanche of hope
keep me still below
keep me trying

(0)

a beginning is no easy thing
forfeit your previous words to the wind
and choose a day to fly

martin hill was crying in the rain
but i climbed him and he sang again
we slid down together
i fell down alone

a beginning beats inside me
surrender what you think you are
and choose a man to be
from this day forth


-------------------------------


there's a yellow sunflower
within my naked heart
a massive piece of love
that never knows where to stop

and you can give me water
and face me to the light
my muscles don't have strength for this
type of full on life

i'm not pretending to be anything
i'm not holding back
if there's a yellow sunflower in me
then it's the courage that i lack

yeah i can't see my shadow walking into the sun
but i know that it's hanging on me
and i feel that i've come
to a place of older age stepping away from the cages
of a linear path to the lives that you're all making
i'm not making anything
i've never faked anything
if i'm sad i'm gonna tell you in the songs that i sing
and if the words don't come then i won't bother you
finding small things to be happy about
that's all i ever do

julia said i had a massive sunflower in me
but up till now i haven't seen a single thing as pretty
as a day in bed with my weary head
when i can pretend that the world's just playing with me


---------------------------------------



a shame that just comes over me
this town just walks all over me
i'd like to feel the cold breeze
below my sweaters and my t-shirts
it's so bad it hurts
i'm so sad it hurts

and mondays don't feel like loving me
i get a big bear hug and a cup of tea
i'm just so ashamed that i don't want to see me
just need to be free of this feeling
want to be free of this

i look at the ceiling
i've gotta break this feeling


---------------------------------------------


banana loaf, my dear
you know i will be right here
and i know when to fear
no i will not interfere

banana loaf, my dear
don't say you don't want it
i made all this just for you
don't say you don't like it

oooooo

banana loaf, my dear
you know that i'm right here
i am just a step away
any day, any day, any day

oooooo

oooooo, my banana loaf


------------------------------


what happened to that sweet young girl
who laughed at all my jokes?
you used to talk to me, think the world of me,
and now you simply don't.


-----------------------------------------



a strange kind of sickness that doesn't go away
my days are cold, and every one the same
i fight, though i'm not a fighter
no i'm not a fighter

i watch all the colours that once graced my walks
and fed into my lines
as they quietly fade to grey
don't you ever say my name

a strange kind of sickness that doesn't go away
and it's harsh to the touch, it's hard to take
this sickness eats at me whenever i wake
every time i awake

don't you dare say my name
i'm not the one that came to you
and brought that sickness
you brought the sickness

?

I like the sound of rain outside, although winter rain can be aggressively cold. Went for a walk earlier, bought a tub of ice cream...ate a lot of it. My room is warmer tonight than some recent nights. Maybe I need a larger/thicker blanket...something to consider, given how it's going to be cold for quite some time now. I want to watch christmas movies.

drums.

forget me,
the way you know me.
i was hoping for a better impression,
a lasting hope.

i'm a couple years ahead
of where i really want to be.
you're a couple years back,
but somehow you're in front of me.
i've been a fool, i've been a child.
i wait and wait and wait
for your attention.
i guess i'm out of style.

the day you gave up on me, i gave up too.
my heart became a whore,
my lips will stay blue.
i've dug my grave just thinking about you.

so now i wait for the drums,
i've gotta remember how to run,
before i just stop everything forever.