t**king

- i can't really speak when she's around.
- sorry, what are we talking about here?
- i'm talking about how nervous i get. kinda anxious... when she's around, or just with anything to do with her.
- well that's silly.
- silly.
- why would you be nervous? just be you.
- i'm always me.
- good.
- she knows me... she knows that i am always me.
- that's good, right?
- but me isn't good enough.
- here we go.
- i get nervous because i'm not good enough. i don't deserve her. i overthink things... i build her up in my mind.
- and then she falls short of the mark.
- no. she never falls short. that's the fucking problem. she's so perfect to me. i get nervous because of my inadequacy. i must be perfect.
- you're not perfect.
- i know that...
- ... she's not perfect either.
- yeah.
- i'm still not sure what we're talking about here. how much of a headcase you are?
- no... we're talking about love... i think.

.................

- what's your favourite movie?
- don't have a favourite.
- what? how about your favourite song?
- nope.
- really?
- i don't do well with favourites.
- weird.
- i have favourites... but i never narrow them down.
- my favourite movie is Amelie.
- sure... that's a good one... i make lists sometimes in my head, but they fade away.
- ... name a song you like.
- ... nah.
- you're not very good at this game.
- this is a game?
- the get to know you game. and right now it's boring because you don't know how to play.
- should i just start listing songs you've never heard?
- sure, if you want to... maybe i will hear them someday. maybe you will play them for me... while washing dishes... or before bedtime.
- ha. that's cute.
- ... i change my mind. Eternal Sunshine is my favourite movie.
- yeah, that's a good one too.
- you're still not playing the game...
- ... i'm working on it.

...............................

- you awake?
- i am now.
- sorry.
- it's okay.
- i couldn't sleep... actually, i wasn't trying that hard.
- i might not remember this conversation.
- what do you mean?
- just saying... it's happened a couple of times. i've answered my phone really late and not remembered anything that was said the next day. one time i didn't even recall having answered the phone... kinda trippy.
- are you making an excuse so you can say whatever you want and not be held responsible?
- ... maybe.
- you can say whatever anyways. i don't mind.
- i'm so tired, though.
- i like when you're tired.
- even silly things?
- especially silly things. you should especially say those things.
- ... fair enough.
- just don't fall back asleep. i want to fall asleep first.
- i'll try.

.................

- hey. don't hang up.
- ... what do you want?
- can we talk for a second?
- i'd rather not.
- just a couple minutes, i promise.
- what do you want?
- nothing. i dunno.
- what's wrong with you?
- lots of things.
- ...
- i'm sorry.
- what are you sorry for? i'm the one who should be sorry for stuff.
- whatever, i'm sorry too... just, for everything.
- what do you want me to say?
- nothing. don't say anything... one second you are begging for forgiveness... and then the next time i see you you don't even look at me...
- why did you call?
- i called because i wanted to say something...
- what?
- ... don't ever leave me again.

...............

- i've never lied... i don't think.
- that's impossible.
- no, i'm pretty sure i've never lied to anyone.
- i don't believe that for a second... you're lying right now.
- ... at least i've never lied intentionally... maybe by accident i have.
- well then...
- but that doesn't count, does it?

...............

- what's with the elastic band?
- what?
- on your wrist.
- oh, it's just one of those things.
- what things?
- just something i do.

........

- sometimes i have trouble with the order of the seasons?
- what do you mean?
- i forget which one comes after which... kinda.
- are you kidding me?
- no, just sometimes i blank out.
- it's the same every year, buddy. it's not as if one year the earth is going to stop spinning for a second and change directions... not really something you can get confused about.
- yeah, i guess you're right... wouldn't that be crazy, though? if that happened.
- what? summer after fall one year? out of nowhere it just gets warm again? that would be awesome.
- yeah... winter sucks.
- let me tell you something about winter... fuck it.
- haha. it DOES have christmas.
- but that's all it's got... the first snowfall, because that's the only good one, and christmas. the rest of winter can fuck off.
- well it doesn't really work like that.
- how does it work?
- you can't change the seasons... and you can't complain about nature. nature can complain about us, because we fuck nature up.
- right.
- listen, it's easy to be unhappy any time of year. you just have to find reasons.
- that's pretty dark.
- summer... so hot and sticky, claustrophobic. maybe a terrible summer job when you're young.
- let me tell you something about summer... fuck summer. even if you have an amazing summer, life brings you down again. part of the ride. summer is a tease.
- and you say I'M a downer.
- i really just want it to be fall always, but then that special autumn feeling wouldn't exist, would it?
- nope.
- things are only special in their rarity.

say something.

you cannot be me.
your words are empty,
like my pint glass..
a crowded bar. i pound
you down like change on the counter.
i ask for another.
the glass comes full,
spilling onto my hand.
and i swallow you whole.
your clichés pollute my mind,
dating my girl, speaking
boring rhymes into my ear.
i have heard you, seen you,
destroyed you before.
soft like a peach,
my lion teeth see you. juicy, juice.
pretending sweetness.
cocky like a boxer,
dancing around like you own the place,
some place.
what do you own?
i made room for you, child.
come down from your throne and stand before me.
you are either too frightened,
or too ignorant to see
that you are dragging from my coat.
unoriginal.
you will not be me.
i have left the world you speak from,
and refuse to glance back for your
tired, arrogant existence.

g2g

- a day will come when everything balances out... i think of it as an inevitable leveling of sorts.
- you're crazy, you know.
- don't call me crazy.
- i'm gonna call you what i want. what the fuck are you talking about?
- when that day comes, and karma comes out in full force, justice armed to the teeth, everyone will get exactly what they deserve, what they have coming to them.
- what does that have to do with me?
- when that happens you will die. you will die ten times over, buried alive with guilt and filled with pain.
- haha. why me?
- because, even though you don't realize it, you are the worst person ever to have lived on our planet, to have breathed our beautiful air. you.
- you're crazy... what will happen to you when all of this goes down?
- oh, i'll be right behind you, wherever you end up. asshole.

................

- i love you.
- i love you more.
- i love YOU more.
- ... yeah, maybe you're right. is that an issue?

........

- today the sky fell down.
- the sky.
- it broke, as if someone shattered it with a hammer.
- broken.
- and then it began to snow, eternal white.
- snow.
- so cold, the hair in my nostrils froze.
- nostrils.
- yeah, nostrils.
- ... nostrils.
- we can never put out sky back together.
- nope.

lmao

- it is in the mail.
- what is?
- your apology, you dick.
- wow...
- save your smug... save your pretending, you fraud. don't act so appalled.
- you're amazing... i love you.
- shut the fuck up.
- okay, but i don't want your apology. when it arrives i will tear it up.
- good, because it wasn't sincere, anyways.

...........

- what time is it?
- late.
- how late? what is late for you?
- you know... whatever.
- i can barely hear you.
- i don't know what i'm saying anymore.
- good, because you're not making any sense.
- okay.
- can you see your clock?
- my eyes are closed...
- open them.
- i unplugged the clock.
- such a lie.
- time is a fascist dictator. i don't need it.
- alright.
- i'm just kidding. i didn't unplug it, i don't think. but whatever else i said is true... but i don't know what that is.
- well, thanks for trying.
- it's late. i know that.
- now my eyes are closed, too. fuck, i'm done.
- yeah.

..................

- there's supposed to be a meteor shower tonight. so... look up.
- i'm inside.
- well, later... go outside and look up.
- maybe i'll sit on the roof.
- basement's don't have roofs.
- i guess not.

..............

- how does one reference the strangeness of their own mind to another? words? sure, words. is that plagiarism? maybe i need to invent a new language. with good intentions of course. more like unintentions. unlearnings. maps and diagrams inside my head that don't know their highs and lows or direction. direction hurts my brain. they don't know what they are showing. i depict nothing. i think i peeked in life as a little kid. when i was still happy. ambitious. now i am a ghost strolling around, waiting for something to happen. but i'm supposed to make it happen, aren't i?
- are you okay?
- i'm drunk.

.......................

- did you check out the sky the other night?
- i didn't see shit...
- me neither.
- i can't see anything anymore.
- ha, nothing to see anyways... so don't worry.
- i feel like there is, though. and every day i am missing things. wasting time.
- you're not wasting time.
- i am building nothing.
- life isn't a fucking lego set...
- but i was really good with lego.
- you're so down on life. and you have no reason to be. what's your problem?
- i know. i've got no reason to be so down... but also nothing to be ecstatic about. so that leaves me in this numb middle space. i'm bored.
- loneliness.

therapy.

acceleration in my room, i can imitate a broom
sweeping dreams under the bed, never to be spoke again

things could hardly be the same, november was full of rain
i am just a broken soul, stuck looking for a black hole

we are of a different kind, two dots on the same line
sifting through our histories, i'm more fun than therapy

falling into circumstance, i've never been known to dance
drink's what i expect to do, leave all of your wolves behind you


we've been writing songs since we were young
no one ever cared that we saw the sun
looked into the rays like a pair of dolls
lying face up in the tall grass through the summers and falls

and then we went our ways, wrote our goodbye songs
lived parallel lives until our hopes had gone away
but darkness speaks to me, lends me a rosary
forgiveness don't come cheap, i want to set you free
and happiness will follow you


acceleration in my room, watch movies and follow suit
actors in our own lives, but i hear laughter in the night

we are of the same mind, two dots on the same line
talking through our histories, i'm more fun than therapy

etta

insert empowerment
original verse
stripped of our innocence
compelled to rehearse
you are pure gold
you render me inert
you are pure strength
and i am just hurt

3.

put it nicely. put it plain.
my arms around you shivering. they have free will.
they know the rain.
choo choo. wave.
bye now.

you are not real. once you were real.
my eyes can't find yours, deep. blue horizons.
i just want to feel.
hurry, there is no time.
smiles.

and gloves without fingertips, and shoes without soles,
and fingernails bitten, skin dry from the cold.
so the past is my every day, yours is forgotten,
and the future holds april may, apples gone rotten.
i can run through the streets at night, run through the snow.
i can bang on your door again, just to let you know.
that i am just skin and bones, hoping for flesh,
to touch mine with tenderness, i shrug off the rest.
a mess.

that was silly. said in fun.
my arms have still got you within. they are sad.
time to run.
vroom vroom. wave.
bye now.

crumble.

witnesses of history. will any of this matter? will all of our small actions come together to form an era worth noting? worth writing about? who will study our why's when we have all passed? time itself is endless, and our generation is accumulating perspectives and angles. too many. at what point do we define ourselves as an age? when can we finally say that we have reached tomorrow? the new world. i have counted stars from the wet grass, and am aware that i am of no consequence. falling short of ideological triggers, or the massive buttons of revolution, all we have left is to be original. this is my realism, my optimism. i can live the life that countless have lived before me, but i will string thoughts together in an entirely unique way. words, boggling in their familiarity, yet sucking out frail emotions that most people are afraid of. think different. be different. count the stars in your own head.

2.

"the hopeless" (otherwise known as "the lover")

-- you need to know that i don't feel for anyone else what i feel for you... i've never had this feeling about anyone else.

-- i uhh... i don't know what to say about that. why do i need to know that?

-- i guess it's not so much that you need to know, but that i need to tell you. because my life is at a stand still... and when things pause, i think about the possibility of you. just being nearer to you.

-- i can't say the things you want to hear...

-- you don't ever have to say anything to me. i'm treading rough waters, and i can continue on like this forever, just knowing that i put it all out there, just waiting for you to come around... waiting for a chance. doesn't matter if it never comes. i've done the talking... i can do the waiting.

-- ...i don't want you sitting around waiting for something that's never going to happen. that's ridiculous.

-- i don't mind... everything else sucks anyways... you're all that i've got, as well as everything that i don't. a reminder that love might exist.

-- whatever...

-- hey. angels shouldn't use such common phrases... don't try to be everyone else. because you can't.

-- you know, you're an idiot. you put me in awkward situations, and make me feel terrible for something i can't control. what's wrong with you?

-- ... the idiot with no value and nothing to lose, why shouldn't he throw his hat in the ring? my hat's no good on my head anymore.

the flow.

"spice. space. spooked. spoon. a spontaneous boom. sweet graves, gravitate my way. head first into waves. goons. all over your todays, all up inside your maze. never getting out. bout to shout. hey. be brave. be brave. i'm a wing span. is it too soon?"

"hey bud, do you mind? i'm trying to concentrate on something... i don't mean to be a pain."

"sure thing, wedding ring. same old bling. every day, every way. but we're the day. we're the way. all over bay street, may fleets. old beats. old sweets... sweaters. better. batter. don't flatter me. i'm full of chatter. box... pull up your socks, for you. dress and undress, for you. it's time we recognize the mess. bless. check check here comes the test."

"seriously, though. i can't concentrate when other people are talking... what are you even saying?"

"just speaking. geeking. peeking at you. sleeking, freaking. frying. lying. dying my eyes blue. one. two. too too true. shout old school stanzas all over you. wild... child. spicy or mild. rice, nice. sticking to your cutlery, butlery, rubbery, all too much muggery. it's bugging me. goatees, gold teeth. gold me. silver you. children, platinum through and through. boo boo. life is life and life is death and i smell painful memories on your breath. rewind. unwind. harsh grind. time... yes, time. you'll be fine."

"all right, forget it. i'm just going to leave. i don't know what you're talking about."

"yo... quiet down. you're fucking with my flow."

the fool.

1*
over and over and under, and over. overt your eyes, lend me your mouth. your breath is my breath, and it is in my way. you joker. type your emotions, hold on. i can hear a song in your chest when the music fades out. i can hear a bird. fuck the rest. you joker. yesterday we were a trifling pair, duo, trouble on the hills, a horizon of no fortune. and now we are trying to be something. the makings of a something. chairs and essays and grading schemes. evaluation, and trying too hard... and dreams. so many small momentary dreams that i can't remember them all, and i shouldn't. don't get your hope up, little one. don't cling to a hope. because if you care then you can lose, and only winners sleep well.

2*
insert myself into a letter, and
send it to you, half way around
the earth, marching forward in
your shadows. so that you
will never be without the love and support you deserve.
'go with your gut' you tell me.
my gut is a fool for your
imaginary emotions, it will
always want to be near you.
yearning.
so i tune out my gut,
and drone into a loveless future.

3*
come come go go fall.
as children we got dirty, played in the sand.
now i wash my hands. now i am boring.
will you still run into cold water?
will you be me if i become someone else?
because i don't want to die.
in in out out fail.
i would fall if it meant your ascent.
your attention is the be all end, all
i need is what i had once,
only for a split second,
and have lost.
i don't need tomorrow.

1.

"the score-keeper" (or "how gunslingers always lose")

- hey bud, you wanna play chicken?
- nah, let's do something else.
- come on, play. don't be such a pussy.
- i'm not a pussy, man. i can kill you in chicken.
- what? i never lose. you're a fucking baby.
- fuck you.
- weren't you watching, teddy? i made him crack so easily.
- fuck you. i don't care what you say. i never give a shit what you're saying.
- i destroyed you like ten times yesterday.
- who the fuck is keeping score?
- i'm keeping score, you wuss. i made you cry all day.
- fuck you. your forehead is huge.
- oh, you want to go again?
- nah, forget this. stupid fucking game anyways.
- that's because you're soft and always chicken out.
- sure.
- even ask teddy. he saw it all yesterday. he was keeping score. weren't you, teddy?

they look at teddy. he's sitting cross legged on the grass, pretending that he's not paying attention. - you both lost. you're both fucking losers.

- whatever, teddy. don't be a bitch.
- he's right. and you're an asshole. i'm leaving.
- hey man, it's just a game. i was just fucking around.
- you have no friends. nobody fucking likes you.
- i've got more friends than you. who the fuck needs you?
- right... fuck you.

intro.

"if you are hesitant before beginning, than consider what is to come. the following stories are not enjoyable. there is no sense, old or new or powerful. they cannot be understood except in heartbreak, and when the heart is broken, what is left but empty tomorrows? could you stand by a lake as the day ends and still feel happiness? the light that allows us to see each others faces has a history that you could never commit to memory. who are we to smile, to know true joy, if the world we inhabit is sad? to read what follows is to question why you read. i am no storyteller. i am a ball of love, curled in a corner. i have spent hours spewing this love, and yet i still don't understand what it is, or what it can do. but still, despite the gaps in knowledge and understanding and memory and composure, the ink is still there to look at with your eyes. these are just words. and this book is nothing. no promises. if someone makes you a promise, just go along for the ride, and wait patiently for the moment to come when you can stand with your mouth an inch from theirs, and call them a liar."

[]

sleeping, warm. compromised by the day.
stagger towards the kitchen and the bright.
mug. hot drink. steam on my glasses.
can't see for a moment. don't want to.
don't need to.
i know what this is all about.
stay in the mug. warming palms.
glance at the ceiling.
a note that reads, "keep waking up each day
and getting out of bed."
my handwriting.
done. tough part's over. a deep breath.
now. what's next?

.

come back. come back. i need you now.

tommy.

time... you can all take your eyes and keep them on the walls.
mine, stay on the windows.

walking backwards with my thoughts closed.
laughing.
becoming. the running has made me a coward. the running
is the only thing keeping me strong.

blame the boards as i cross the tracks.
blame the country road for the miles it lacks.
i blame time. myself... if taught by mistakes,
then i am king.
i can leave right now without having learned a thing.

sick. i think.
time...
teach me how to try.
please.
tired. i think.
fuck i'm talking to myself.
please.

a gentle ghost between me and the wall,
so so warm beneath all of this.
he talks of smiles, old friends. people i once knew.
he talks so quietly, though. i can barely hear him.
voice... he sounds like me, only happy.

he sounds like tommy... what happened to that kid?
what has happened? lost. tommy.
that's what they used to call me.
i think he is still here somewhere.
i think.
hugging pillow.
no thunderous applause. no thunder. no talking. please.

help me look.

*-*-*-*

do you believe in anything anymore?

alice gull

Now there is a moat around her he will never cross again. He will not even cup his hands to drink its waters. As if, having travelled all that distance to enter the castle in order to learn its wisdom for the grand cause, he now turns and walks away.

from Ondaatje's 'In the Skin of a Lion'

- The trouble with ideology, Alice, is that it hates the private. You must make it human.
- These are my favourite lines. I'll whisper them. 'I have taught you that the sky in all its zones is mortal... let me now re-emphasize the extreme looseness of the structure of all objects.'
In the darkness he can see just the faint aura of her hair.
- Say it again.

heroes of october EP

oh i bet the air was scared with all the words we used to sing

i bet it hid behind its friends until the grass turned green in the spring

you walk in puddles, walk on leaves, whether they're red or gold

you run through years just like the fears i used to fight and hold

and now you are a hero

i can't ignore the look in your eyes as the sun goes down

the path it falls and turns just enough to keep us both around

and i am fading, i am wading right in up to my chest

you're on my phone, you're in my bones, and memories do the rest

and now you are a hero

oh i'm going to be there on your wedding day

and oh, i'm going to have so many things to say

about a couple kids who laughed and laughed their hurt away

until the month of may

and let the summers shoot them down, knowing it was okay

and it's all okay

-------------------------

fairview in september, i know you well. i've still got friends in this town.

they're bumping into me, accidentally,

remembering that i'm around.

the years stay on my mind, they're getting kinder to us.

we're getting older, being sold a new line, a new rush.

let's get in and get out before it folds.

it's no secret that it's crumbling and september knows.

fairview in september, i see your birds packing up to leave,

and your lawns aren't green.

and you're cold and mean.

why would you do this to me?

soul beasts of guelph, you know me well.

and i love you well.

and i would never run from you, but i've got no time for you right now.

just let me out.

-----------------------------

the name is tom, don't you forget it

i know the game is wrong, so let's forget it

i've been thinking about death today

it's been a long one, i must say

always searching for a better place

it's getting boring, i must say

so your friends are gone, they've all moved away

just buy a phone, there's still lots to say

i've been thinking about death today

it's been a tough one, i must say

i've been thinking about yesterdays

we had some fun, i must say

i've been thinking about better days

are we ever going to get there?

tired of looking for a better place

am i ever going to get there?

------------------

i need you here.

i'm so afraid

of losing you.

come back and stay with me.

these are growing pains.

this is all insane.

i am young inside,

but my face is growing lines.

i'm so tired

of looking at your photo on the wall.

----------------------------

i know that i've told you before

to not come hanging around my door

but still i've seen you here before

don't you ever touch my door

because i don't want to be your whore

and i know you hate that i don't like you anymore

your dirt will never touch my floor

----------------------

i could be the waves in your blanket

i would help you shave your legs, for aerodynamics

if you would only lie to me,

like you lie to yourself

we would be so stealthy, you and me

when i say you're beautiful in the morning

does it make any difference to you at all?

you can put your head down in my lap,

i don't mind

because when you cry, you seem so small

i could be a giant sleeping under the leaves

and i would help you wash the dishes, i'd roll up your sleeves

when i sleep in late on sundays, the dreams stay with me

lingering in my brain like the smell of the trees

i'm doing, i'm doing the best i can

to be, to be a better man

but you don't help at all

you're a mystery waiting at the end of the hall

to jump out, and i love it how i fall

for you

-------------------------

zip up the tent and try to get warm.

it's a violent night, but we've been warned.

our house is a box being blown away,

our house is a boy marching into the fray.

we lay tight, shivering, face to face,

i'm thinking of nice things to say.

like, "i will never leave you."

and, "i could never hurt you."

my love will never go away.

so that underneath the wind you hear me say

that i'm completely in love with your face.

your eyes, your neck, your back, your hands.

i can never look away.

when the sky comes down,

and the trees dance around, ripped from the ground.

i stay right by you, and you've got me bound.

the wind destroys this plastic home around us,

but i can't hear a sound.

--------------------

all of a sudden it is october

and all of a sudden october is done

i cannot say that it’s been fun

because it hasn’t been

fairview is dying (i love you i love you)

all of a sudden it is cold outside

i’m looking for scarves and mits

october, you are so dark

fairview will come back again (i love you i love you)

-------------

colds and winds and older falls

breathing into all my thoughts

can't think straight or walk a line

can't get back our wasted time

and you walk so far away from me

i stretch out my arm but i can't reach you

you're running so fast away from me

i call out your name but it doesn't reach you

---------------------

if you stand by my side, i will stand by your side

i won't speak of what is owed

i will keep our rhymes tight

don't you believe me anymore, don't you listen anymore

and if we could all be like our parents, planting family trees

i might be a falling leaf, but your branches could catch me

you know, if i was the sea, you'd all come swimming in me

it's just been so damn long since we talked like friends

so let's walk to zanarkand

and say what we mean

if you promise to scream i will let one go too

we'll scare the neighbours, set out running off into blues

on the concrete, on the lawns, i'm on my knees, i'm on my palms

asking you to stay here

and while you're living your life

i'll be living it too, miles and miles away

scanning all my photos of you

you know if i was the air, i would be everywhere

and you'd all be kissing me too

wasted time.

colds and winds and older falls
breathing into all my thoughts
can't think straight or walk a line
i can't get back our wasted time

you walk so far away from me
i stretch out my arm but i can't reach you
you're running so fast away from me
i call out your name but it doesn't reach you

regeneration.

"Those history books you get in school say that railroad sharpshooters killed off all the buffalo, but that's not true."My father leans up against the door and closes his eyes. "Most of them just took off and never came back."
... When I try to shift from first to second, the sound is so sudden and frightening, I forget about the clutch and the gas, and the truck dies and drifts off onto the shoulder of the road. I take a deep breath and look around. The buffalo are gone.
"Just like that." My father looks out the window at the empty prairies. "Soon as the smart ones got a good look at Whites, they took off."
"So, where'd they go?"
"That's the mistake we made." My father settles into his seat, pulls his cap down, and closes his eyes. "We should have gone with them."
I try again, and this time I get from first gear into second. I see my father smile, so I go for third.


From Tom King's "Truth and Bright Water"



"... And suddenly I saw not only that we weren't the measure of all things, but that there was no measure."
"And yet you say nothing changed?"
"Nothing changed in England. And I don't know why. I think partly just the sheer force of other people's expectations. You know you're walking around with a mask on, and you desperately want to take it off and you can't because everybody else thinks it's your face."
"And now?"
"I don't know. I think perhaps the patients've... have done for me what I couldn't do for myself." He smiled. "You see healing does go on, even if not in the expected direction."


From Pat Barker's "Regeneration"

0560532

higher learning, postpone me. you you you.
I have waited, will continue to... put plans on
hold. I hold for seasons. reasons.
I have guessed and guessed wrong,
and now I fail to be anything of the moment.
at the moment. in the moment, stuck. muddy.
a child from the past and a future possibility.

I wake many leagues under, and running
low on breath... air. learning to try.
no sustainable fight in me. no goals.
face it. face me.
sharp pain in my chest is not physical,
but rather I am stabbed by repetition. squeezed.
magical boredom. devours. showers.

learning, and what have I lost? you you you.
me. there is no me this afternoon.

'_'

"...After this there were hours of congratulation and drinking and so many people around our table I didn't have to talk much. I could think about the past and what I'd been through as I'd struggled to locate myself and learn what the heart is. Perhaps in the future I would live more deeply.
And so I sat in the centre of this old city, which itself sat at the bottom of a tiny island. I was surrounded by people I loved, and I felt happy and miserable at the same time. I thought of what a mess everything had been, but that it wouldn't always be that way."

- from Hanif Kureishi's 'Buddha of Suburbia'

portraits

oh you're so silent, Jens

Early September and the kids start school
Leaves are floating in the swimming pool
I wish I had a proper reason to cry
A reason not so abstract
More like a broken clause in a contract

All those things your'e supposed to do
I could have done them if I had you
You could have made me a righteous citizen
I could have made all those right decisions

But now I don't know who my friend is
Can you tell me Rocky Dennis
Now I don't know who my friend is
Can you tell me Rocky Dennis

Mama told me I was born a lion
Mama told me I was born with a belly to lie on
Mama told me I was born a liar
Mama told me I was born with a heart to rely on

- Jens Lekman's Farewell Song To Rocky Dennis

bc.

'''''

fairview in september, i know you well. i've still got friends in this town.
they're bumping into me, accidentally,
remembering that i'm around.

the years stay on my mind, they're getting kinder to us.
we're getting older, being sold a new line, a new rush.
let's get in and get out before it folds.
it's no secret that it's crumbling and september knows.

fairview in september, i see your birds packing up to leave,
and your lawns aren't green.
and you're cold and mean.
why would you do this to me?

sullen beasts of guelph, you know me well.
and i love you well.
and i would never run from you, but i've got no time for you right now.
just let me out.

love in a windy place.

zip up the tent and try to get warm.
it's a violent night, but we've been warned.
our house is a box being blown away,
our house is a boy marching into the fray.
we lay tight, shivering, face to face,
i'm thinking of nice things to say.

like, "i will never leave you."
and, "i could never hurt you."
my love will never go away.

so that underneath the wind you hear me say
that i'm completely in love with your face.
your eyes, your neck, your back, your hands.
i can never look away.

when the sky comes down,
and the trees dance around, ripped from the ground.
i stay right by you, and you've got me bound.
the wind destroys this plastic home around us,
but i can't hear a sound.

small things.

the earth is nothing but soil beneath me,
and i feel so light and tingly
when the wind comes through my window in the morning,
and rescues me from sleep.

those around us will say, "they are crazy"
and we are crazy, the way we try.
keep on dreaming.

the earth is nothing but a rock turning
in a far off night.
and i can get so light and tingly,
when the wind comes through my window in the morning,
and rescues me from this fight,
dreaming.

****************

oh, away with this shame.
i see a great wall of flame
coming to eat me today,
it's going to burn me away
into a pile of ashes,
but i have to ask,
will you marry me?
even though my ship is sinking.

oh, and is it wrong,
that i sing these songs?
i understand i'm not the perfect kind of man
for the perfect girl like you.
but what did you expect me to do?
can't you see that i'm in love with you?

************

the leaves will turn and fall on the garden.
and the faces of summer will fade from my mind.
i'll put these photographs up in my bedroom.
so i won't lose track of time.

the lion that lives in my chest is growing.
some day soon he'll show his mane.
and the tiger in my head, he is sleeping.
i thought he would drive me insane,
but i'm still here.

here's the come back i've been speaking of.
and i'm in it on my own.
this come back kicks, i'll make it stick,
so i won't fade out all alone.
i'm here to stay.

colder winds come in my doorways,
but i don't shut them out.
and older things come back to haunt me now,
the stories that i can't go on without.

******************

the water is cold, and the air is cold,
and it's raining hard.
it's five in the morning, and that's when we decide to swim.
we go in off her dock.
in this cold night, that's when i find light.
nothing is anything compared to her.
this i know for sure.

auGust

show a little faith in me. how many times have i let you down?
it's safe to say that i won't put my friend in the ground.
cos' i need you, cos' i need you.

weeping willows line the road.
weeping willows show your bones.
how many stories have we told?
how many stories do you know?

show a little faith in me. i've been doing the best i can.
cos' i need you, cos' i need you.

how we used to be.

i could live in hope, just so you know.
sometimes i think you're a joke,
but then i realize that i don't own these skies,
and i don't know these eyes around me,
and you're so beautiful,
that i must be the joke, i'm singing,
aahaaa

come on girl, drive me to the nearest town,
where some old-fashion reggae beats are still around.
my mind is so tired of working on itself,
my passion's underground.

and it's written all over your face,
that you miss that quiet little place we had on the bay,
of which now there's not a trace,
but it's okay,
because i can still come hear you sing.
aahaaa

oh, this morning i'm out here,
eating warm banana muffins in the presence of last year.
it's terrible.
all the things i used to be,
and all the people i don't want to remember or see,
they are right here.
singing at me,
aahaaa

do you remember when we were young?
how the concrete hated the sun?
because i do.

i want to live a simple life,
i promise i'm still fun,
and so are you, just so you know.

do you remember how we used to be?
well, that's me in that photograph singing,
aahaaa

west-coast ramble.

she is wet like the land that she lives on,
her eyes deep-set and green.
i might see her soon in the traps of my sleep,
but she won't remember me.
her voice is soft like the way of her hands.
she pours my coffee smooth.
and she smiles in a way that suggests warmer days,
as the rain makes beats on the roof.

she is wet like the sea that lives by,
the salt comes from off her skin.
she waves as i head out to catch my boat,
but i won't see her again.

she is in the wake.

-----------------------------

on long winter nights, our heads all a mess,
we'd stay in my high-ceiling room.
and those were the times, some privacy found,
that i would play these songs for you.

but now they all sound wrong,
i'm so out of tune.
my body's gone cold these last years without kissing you.
don't look at me,
cos' i can't look at you.

the first kimberly i knew.

your face is still in my air,
but i don't meet you there.
i hate you. i love you.

your body's still in my hands,
yes, but never again.
i hate you. i love you.

don't look at me, cos' i can't look at you.
don't talk to me. i won't hear you.
don't think of me, cos' i can't play for you anymore.

on these long winter nights,
my head's still a mess.
i stay in my low-ceiling room.

------------------------------

it really was quite simple.
i found the river you described.
and along its banks,
the gold and diamond mines,
from a hundred years ago,
before our time.

i remember your voice on the phone.
i read all of those letters you wrote,
telling me to come home,
telling me to come home,
but i can't come home just yet.

it really wasn't difficult,
to leave that life behind.
i followed the map you drew,
when you still had an adventurous mind.

and i recall your voice on the phone,
and i kept all of those letters you wrote,
telling me to come home,
telling me to come home,
but i can't come home, and i won't.

-------------------------------------

oh, my friend, Paul Blair

the house is quiet these days, but the street is loud.
and the sky is angry with me, it's calling out the clouds.
oh, my friend, Paul Blair, Big Bear,
come and sort this out.
oh, my friend, Paul Blair, Paul Blair,
i'm going to need some help.

ay, ay , ay , ay

oh, the view that once was fair,
is empty without you.
i tried to cook our favourite meal,
i haven't got a clue.
but together, we don't need clues, do we?
no, together, we don't take any clues.

oh, my friend, Paul Blair,
one minute you were there.

-----------------------

when i was in school,
the eighteenth man that i met named john,
said he was getting old for folk song.
i said what do you mean,
i've heard you play,
you gave me a shiver of a cold and stale day,
at the end of may. hey hey.

we walked through the park
on the old side of campus,
the discussion and laughter
all fading behind us.
i looked at the trees and said
i guess some day we'll die.
john said i don't think so,
i haven't even started my life.
and he turned away towards the night. my my.

one can choose the swing set,
one can choose the slide.
one can choose a lot of things,
and i'd say i've tried.
i've been called a fool because of things that i've said,
been taken for a lover,
while walking around half dead,
without a shared bed,
and i said, at least i'm only half dead.

this silence takes my sadness to a place all it's own.
the caffeine and the alcohol colliding in my bones.
makes my muscles decide it's time to build a home.
i scream to the air, i don't really ever care.
the breeze answers me,
yeah, friend, i've been there,
go and wash your hair. there there.

this song is getting kind of long,
i guess i'll pick up the pace,
cos' life's a struggle similar to a long distance race.
and i don't want to lose face.
stuff gets skipped,
i'm talking shit.
oh, well, that's how it is,
i guess i'll rap a bit.
speaking of lit-erature,
i'm writing a book,
combining all the shapes and sounds in life,
at first i mistook,
for something soft,
something gentle,
something tangible,
sometimes i've got promise but i can't quite get a handle.
don't ever trade your running shoes for sandals.

when i worked in the coffee shop,
the twenty-first man that i met named john.
he said hey, i heard you play folk song.
i said no, you're wrong,
folk is dying,
and i've been dying all along.
he just said, that's a shame,
but i'm never wrong.

on a cloudy afternoon i slipped into a dream.
in a mirror i saw myself
falling apart at the seams.
a ghost came up beside me and said,
tom, where's your head?
i laughed out loud,
i wasn't sure i ever had one.
the ghost said to me,
ghosts can laugh too,
and this one's laughing at you. ooh ooh.

i took the subway into the old part of town,
considering a new career as a clown.
i try to smile, make others smile,
but it just gets me down.
maybe i'll end up with these old guys i see
sleeping on the concrete underground.
i promise i won't make a sound when you walk by.

a group of young girls cornered me in a pharmacy.
they said you look so sad
it makes even us feel bad. i laughed.
i said i play folk songs that you'll never hear,
and the smallest one looked up at me and shouted,
that's no reason not to play them.

the night turned wild.
the night was free.
i crouched down by the docks and knew where i would be.
the water reflected the youngest parts of myself,
all this rising and falling
and constantly stalling,
it's bad for my health.
i've got a guitar and i don't need help.

all the johns that i've met have up and left.
but in the thick air around us their folk lives on.
and when i die this pen will still write songs.
better than mine,
so give me a push,
help this process along.
i am empty.
i am empty.
i am gone.

everything counts.

leaves.

wind up your body
gather courage, save strength
for you are stronger than you believe
and you never believe
block out your weakness, persevere
these are things that you fear
be brave, and you will find hope
return home triumphant
a hero

------------

i rest my sadness in the sky portion of your eyes
and to my surprise
your face never departs from my mind
or from my moving time

you stand near and kiss my cheek when i go numb
these will be the days we miss when we get old

oh, how it goes on

-----------------------

my hands will be worn,
my face dark.
my eyes will be older
when i return.
will you still know me?
will you stand close at all?
i will be the same man.
i will be the same.
but i won't look so young and bright anymore.

everything counts
side with me, get on my team.

------------------------------

i can build myself with words.
on paper, we can be birds.
constantly creating history.
the future will prove i was rare.
artists will disintegrate,
i will evaporate
unless i stay absent from the world.
i can say great things but not be them.
i can describe beauty but not be it.
i will think nice thoughts,
and let happiness exist as a breeze
through my mind
that is fuelled by my heart
and is destroyed upon contact
with the air.

------------------

four portions of you,
and i go headfirst.
heart follows... clearance.
give off love like the surf.

-----------------------

she is my invested gold
buried in the hills.
my heart goes with her wherever she goes.
she is me.
my head jumps in time unwillingly,
surviving by its own design.
back and forth, i burn.
she is a beacon of light,
in a storm never-ending,
in a story ever-bending.
in my own troubled mess,
the clouds only part for her,
they swallow us together,
entwined and laughing.

--------------------------

i slide into the dark room, trying not to wake her. the air is thick, the summer sweat that i have been missing. i crawl under the blankets behind her, hold her tight. she feels my beard on her neck when i kiss her and says, "stay awhile."

--------------

green shirt
black shirt
i wear my insides outside
i wear my start on my sleeve
let's get hurt

-----------

the night can't hold me and all of my dreaming.
i am too large for this planet.
i let go of the earth and wind,
put effort towards oblivion.

our language doesn't suffice,
words i need don't exist.
every day is plain white rice,
i can't eat this,
not anymore.

the day can't hold me.
with all of our contrived counting.
i am too large for hours,
minutes.
i won't run out any longer.

i put effort towards forgetting,
in my own way getting stronger.

------------------

if you rain on me
i will rain on you

if you let yourself get wet
i will dry you off
i promise

i am standing there
with a towel for you
smile

-------------

i can't describe what grows inside of me
just like i can't explain what hurts
i feel as though i'm evolving backwards
like my time machine is stuck in reverse
if i land by you then take me to your leader
and we will discuss just how i will save us
we'll examine the biggest picture.

-----------------------

we are nothing when we wake
our ghosts all gone to the corners
to hide and plan for the day
asleep i am strong and never wrong
this life bores me in the light
it ignores me

-----------------------

we are gusts.
we are gone.
these are notes.
this is tomorrow.
harbouring this clumsy happiness.
leaves.

wet.

the streets are wet and the lights bright.
i have left you once again,
the air smells of ozone, beads of despair
cover my mirrors as i glance around wearily.
i close my eyes periodically, feel them swell up.
so tired from this.
chris is saying that he wants to die a death of cold,
because he's scared of growing old.
he sings and i sing with him.
the red lights taunt me,
your face is in the watery reflections all around.
your face is a magnet.
and i am weak to your pull.

may.

well, you killed me with your kiss,
and now i can find a way out of this.
i feel like now that i've met you,
i can die happy.
if you promise never to leave me,
then i will never leave you again.

-------------------

i met a girl on a good tuesday
in late april, approaching may.
i got so drunk i don't know what i said.
i had to hold my face together.

cuz she could change my life just like the weather.

lean in, don't make me shout.
i know i don't make much sense,
but i mean well.
and i burnt my fingers when i put that candle out.
and i owe her fifteen dollars and a subway token now.

but she might never know the way i would treat her.
alison.

i apologize for my behaviour.
i've been searching these spring skies,
looking for a savior.
and i may have found one now but i can't stay.
i've gotta hope for another good tuesday.

while i hold my face together,
cuz she could change my life just like the weather.

------------------------------

when i first saw you, i thought
i'd seen you before in my head
in my head

your laugh penetrates my shell,
every minute i spend away from you
just feels like hell

when you smile at me,
i feel alive again, it's not possible
but i'm alive again

when i first touched you, i knew
i'd touched you before in my head
in my head

(while you live in my head, i want to live in your bed)

----------------------

words are so easy, but this gets so hard.
i've got stones in my shoes,
i'm soft but i'm scarred.
and your eyes are the blue of a slow rainy day.
yeah, your eyes are the sea that's gonna take me away
from here. i can't think clear
without you,
and i know i can get silly, but everything i say is true.
so i make it simple.
five four three two, one
is the number of girls i want to kiss.
and one is the number of girls i will miss,
when i'm living in nowhere and nothingness.
so don't forget me.

writing is easy, but talking gets hard.
like a pale summer blue,
i'm soft but i'm marked by you.
i hope i've marked you too.